Ellen Hendriksen, the author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, knows the struggles of social anxiety firsthand.
Growing up, she often felt as though she was living under a microscope, convinced that every small mistake would draw harsh judgment. Whether it was speaking up in class or walking into a crowded room, she felt an overwhelming pressure to be perfect.
But through years of self-discovery and psychological expertise, she learned to quiet her inner critic and embrace her authentic self—a journey she now shares to help others.
Social anxiety isn’t just about feeling shy or awkward; it’s a relentless shadow that impacts people’s day-to-day lives in profound ways. It can make you avoid social gatherings, overthink every interaction, and dread even simple tasks like introducing yourself or making a phone call.
For many, it feels like carrying an invisible weight—one that keeps them from forming connections, speaking up at work, or enjoying life’s simplest pleasures. Ellen’s story proves that this weight can be lifted, and her insights offer a roadmap for overcoming these challenges.
7 Strategies to Overcome Social Anxiety
1. Treat Mistakes as Connection Points
Ellen recalls a time when she spilled coffee during an important meeting.
She immediately felt her cheeks flush and her inner critic screamed, “Everyone thinks you’re clumsy!” Instead of retreating, she made a lighthearted comment: “Looks like my coffee needed to stretch its legs.”
To her surprise, others laughed and shared their own clumsy moments, turning an embarrassing incident into a bonding experience.
This taps into the concept of self-disclosure reciprocity—when you reveal a vulnerability, others feel more comfortable sharing their own, which strengthens social bonds.
The next time you make a mistake, try acknowledging it with a bit of humor. If you forget someone’s name, say something like, “I’m terrible with names, but great with faces—remind me again?” This shifts the focus from perfection to connection.
2. Learn to Manage Your “Post-Event Processing”
Ellen describes how, after attending a party, she would reply to every conversation in her head, fixating on what she could have done differently.
This “mental replay” often spiraled into self-criticism, leaving her drained for days. Over time, she realized this wasn’t helping—it was only keeping her anxiety alive.
Post-event processing is a hallmark of social anxiety. It’s when your brain hyper-focuses on perceived social missteps. But research shows that actively redirecting your attention to neutral or positive aspects of the event can break this cycle.
After your next social event, instead of analyzing every detail, write down three things that went well. Maybe someone laughed at your joke, or you managed to introduce yourself to someone new.
Focusing on positives helps retrain your brain to see social interactions in a healthier light.
3. Label the Fear—Don’t Run from It
Ellen shares how, during her first big speaking engagement, she felt her heart race and her palms sweat.
Instead of trying to suppress the fear, she silently told herself, “This is social anxiety. My body is preparing to perform.” By labeling her feelings, she reduced their intensity and reclaimed control over her emotions.
Labeling fear engages the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for reasoning. This interrupts the amygdala’s automatic fight-or-flight response, calming your system.
When you feel anxious, name the emotion out loud or in your head: “I’m feeling nervous because this is important to me.” This acknowledgment helps you create distance from the anxiety, making it feel less overwhelming.
4. Focus Outward, Not Inward
At a networking event, Ellen caught herself worrying about how she appeared to others. Then she made a deliberate shift—she started asking questions about the people she was talking to, focusing entirely on them. This shift in focus eased her anxiety and made her more engaged in the conversation.
Social anxiety often triggers a heightened focus on yourself, amplifying your fears. Redirecting attention outward disrupts this loop and fosters genuine connections.
The next time you feel anxious in a social setting, ask someone an open-ended question like, “What’s the most interesting thing about your work?” You’ll be too focused on their response to worry about how you’re coming across.
5. Practice “Compassionate Imagery”
Ellen describes how she used to picture herself as the most awkward person in the room.
To counteract this, she started visualizing herself as her most confident and compassionate self—someone who could offer kindness not just to others but to herself as well.
Compassionate imagery helps rewire your brain to associate social situations with warmth and safety instead of fear. This technique is often used in Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT).
Before your next challenging social interaction, close your eyes and imagine yourself as calm, confident, and kind. Picture how you’d behave and how others would respond positively to you.
6. Learn to Sit with Silence
Ellen recounts a dinner party where the conversation lulled. Her immediate instinct was to fill the silence, but she resisted and let it sit. To her surprise, someone else picked up the thread, and the conversation flowed naturally again.
Silence in social interactions is normal and often gives others a chance to contribute. Your anxiety might interpret silence as awkwardness, but it’s rarely as noticeable to others as it feels to you.
The next time a conversation pauses, take a breath and count to three in your head before speaking. You’ll often find that someone else fills the gap, taking the pressure off you.
7. Give Yourself Permission to Be Human
Ellen shares a moment from her early career when she stumbled over her words during a lecture. She felt mortified but later realized that her vulnerability made her more relatable to her audience.
Perfectionism fuels social anxiety, but research shows that authenticity is more appealing than flawlessness.
If you feel yourself striving for perfection, remind yourself: “It’s okay to be human.” Whether you stutter during a speech or forget a detail, people are far more forgiving than you think.
